It was a dark & scary night
It is midnight, a half moon in the sky, the crows in front of his window discuss breakfast plans, the paint on his ceiling is still slowly chipping off and onto the floor. Our fearless hero is deep in slumber, unaware (obviously) of the night he is about to face. Suddenly there is a tap on his window. No not a tap like on a sink, like the sound you know :- “tap tap tap”. Our fearless hero still sleeps, the only thing that can wake the mighty one is the sound of his own snores.
The tapping outside his window stops abruptly, contemplation can be softly heard from beyond the glass. Suddenly the deafening screech of a rooster fills the night air, “cock-a-doodle-dooo” !!!! our hero wakes up with a jolt, the sound of the rooster is still slicing through the night air. Irritated because he was disturbed from a lovely dream involving Paz Vega, our hero stumbles out of bed and toward his window, ready to scare off whatever creature is crooning away to glory right outside his window. Our hero slides the window open, before he even barely peers outside he is pushed back into his room and falls on the floor, something green and relatively big jumps into his room. Our hero crawls swiftly to his light switch and turns on the light, and there, in the room, he sees, fully in green. . . . . . Peter Pan???
Peter :- hello kashin.
Kashin :- umm, hi.
Peter :- why do you look so surprised to see me? Why do you not cheer?
Kashin :- what? Umm. . . . . are you for real?Peter :- very much so.
Kashin :- o.k . . . . so what are you doing here exactly? So late at night?
Peter :- I’ve come to take you to neverland. (kashin stares) oh don’t look so shocked, its true.
Kashin :- ummm, I don’t think that’s such a good idea you know. I mean, we’ve only just met, and I’m guessing the only way we’re gonna get to neverland is by flying right?
Peter :- right.
Kashin :- well see, I don’t really think I’m ready for that yet you know, flying. Maybe after 5 rum & cokes I could. . . (suddenly realizes) WAIT A MINUTE !!! you woke me up with that annoying crowing sound didn’t you?
Peter :- (sheepishly) yes.
Kashin :- (angrily) where are your manners dude? You cant go about scaring people out of their sleep like that. I swear if I had an arrow I’d shoot you like a wendy bird.
Peter :- I’m sorry kashin, really. It was all I could think of to wake you up, and also, I always crow like that when I’m pleased with myself.
Kashin :- what’re you so pleased about?
Peter :- oh, there was this scary looking ruffian trying to get into your apartment, I sprinkled some fairy dust on him, made him float a little, and then threw him out onto the street.
Kashin :- what??? Who was it??
Peter :- I don’t know, but he did look like a scoundrel.
Kashin :- (infuriated) oh my god !! what if it was one of my friends you silly ass !!! I’ve got to see who it was, maybe he’s hurt !!!
Our hero heads to his front door, but Peter clasps onto his right hand, trying to stop him from leaving. But our hero is strong, with Pan in tow he lunges to the door. He only justs opens the door when suddenly a disheveled, sweaty man he knows as ‘Keith’ storms into the apartment.
Keith :- (seeing peter holding kashin’s hand) NO!!! let go of his hand! You don’t need him, umm, her, umm, whoever. (he parts the two with insane strength and flings Peter out the window)
Peter :- (as he/she falls out the window) Don’t say goodbyeeeeeee !!!!!
Kashin :- oh my god !! you idiot, he could…. oh wait peter can fly so no worries. Anyway keith, whats the matter???
Keith :- (softly) I took care of your problem.
Kashin :- umm, what problem?
Keith :- the “problem” !!
Kashin :- (doubtfully) you, paid my gas bill?
Keith :- no!! for christs sake, I killed your secretary!! Kashin :- WHAT ???
Keith :- yes !! both of them.
Kashin :- oh my. . . . . . (freezes questioningly) What??
Keith :- yes, the one who left your job to act in films and the other who left your job to live in a silver palace.
Kashin :- what is it with you people??? Why are you attacking and killing people when I’ve not even asked for it? Why did you do this???
Keith :- for the promotion.
Kashin :- all this for a promotion ??? you little sh*t !!! you’d kill people for a promotion?
Keith :- very important skill if you want to get ahead in this place.
Kashin :- (looks around) what plac….
Keith :- INFACT !!! To show you what a good job I’ve done, I’ve got one of the bodies in the trunk of my car downstairs.
Kashin :- (long pause) you stupid “m*th*r f*ck*r” !!! you brought a dead body into my building???
Keith :- you think I’m stupid boss??? I parked ‘outside’ your gate so that your north Indian watchman doesn’t get suspicious.
With lightning speed our fearless hero slaps Keith, runs out the door, and gets downstairs in the elevator within 5 seconds. He runs out the gate towards a familiar red maruti zen, and rips off the trunk door, ready to face the horrific image of a corpse. Suddenly (again) a little girl he knows as ‘koki’ jumps out of the trunk, and proceeds to bombard our hero with hillside lingo and guavas (which, when unripe, can really hurt).
Koki :- ey shameless !!! (constantly whacks him) tu kya samajhta hai? Terrorist hai kya??
Kashin :- please stop hitting me. . . . (while avoiding her blows & spits) arre koki !! what happened to you ???
Koki :- who tera chamcha mujhe murder karne nikla. Pata nahi kyu usko laga ki mai teri sack-re-tear-ee hu. Main araam se Palladium mall mein ghoom rahi thi buffalo pe, aur ye idiot, using his head usne mujhe trip kiya, aur main uss moving stairs pe gir gayi.
Kashin :- you mean escalator.
Koki :- haan wohi, alligator. Magar I was falling ‘down’, and alligator going ‘up’, so me falling-falling for hours. Thodi der baad I fainting, aur ye idiot thinking me dead, so he put me in his laal dabba and got me hear. Dekh, see how he injure me, my forehead blood falling. (displays a ghastly bleeding cut on her forehead to our hero, who proceeds to retch for 2 minutes) Kashin :- (gathering himself) dekh koki, I’m sorry that idiot attacked you, I didn’t ask him to. Mujhe maaf kardo.
Koki :- nahi !!! iski sazaa milegi !! kadi sazza milegi !! I tell my boyfriend the pehelwaan to come ‘take care’ of you. he turn you into karela fry !!! he be here any time now.
Kashin :- what??? You called him here??? Oh sh*t !!!
Him :- Sir, I’m here for The Interview.
Kashin :- what f*ck*ng interview? I have to get out of here. The pehelwaan. . .
Him :- sir please sir, I’ll do anything. You’ll see sir, you’ve never META man like me sir (winks violently)
Kashin :- GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU RETARD!!!
But “Him” blocks his every attempt to get away. Luck however is on our hero’s side, “Him” suddenly slips on a guava and falls, our hero runs to safety. But ‘does’ he?? No, for he is suddenly surrounded by a giant sardarji, a mix breed european man with a hook instead of an arm, a malnutritioned bear listening to an Ipod, a woman with orange lips selling jalebis, a cross dressing skinny person, a standing crocodile, and a grey dog eating a samosa pav. Our hero is confused and hungry (seeing the samosa pav).
The crowd grabs our hero and drags him over to an abandoned haunted house. Our hero tries hard to keep his airs inside him. The crowd drags him right into the centre of a giant drawing room. As our hero looks at who is standing there, he is flabbesgasted. There, in front of him stands. . . . . himself. Which is weird because our hero is aware that he never had a handsome twin brother. But what was strange was that this handsome twin was wearing shorts, a sleeveless grey shirt and an orange sardarji patka, and on a table in front of him there lay the most gorgeous piece of Blueberry cheesecake.
Then, slowly , the handsome twin who until now had his hands behind him, brings them forward. In one hand he holds a bottle of ketchup, in the other, a jar of red chilli powder, and with a villainous sneer, in slow motion, the twin begins to pour the the chilli & ketchup over the helpless cheesecake. For our fearless hero, the world has ended, oh how cruel this is !!! he tries hard to break free from the clutches of the (now laughing like hyenas) characters but to no avail. As he watches in horror and slow motion, the glazed & moist purple top of the cheesecake disappears, it is replaced by a sticky and lumpy red carpet. Our hero screams like a little girl, as he writhes and shrieks in slow motion, he closes his eyes to avoid the ghastly visual.
Suddenly (yeah, I know) he is slapped hard on his face, he opens his eyes to discover that he is staring at his own floor. He looks up, he is back in his bedroom, safe. And it dawns upon him, it had all been a dream, and he’d fallen off his bed and woken up. Wiping the sweat and drool off his face our hero wakes up, and promises never to mix vodka with rum & litchi juice before bedtime again. And with a huge sigh of relief, our hero walks upto his calendar, he stares at all the markings he’s made on it over the month of May. Shows of ‘The Interview’, ‘A Special Bond’ – Part I & Part II, and ofcourse ‘Peter Pan’. A total of 24 shows in one month. Our hero chuckles, segments of the dream still floating around in his head, and he thinks;
Kashin :- Well, I’m glad May is over. (smiles)
Ps:- For those who don't quite follow the internal humor of this article, please educate yourselves by coming for the plays mentioned above. They are fun plays, and well worth your time.